Monday, October 5, 2009

here we go again

well i guess this road comes to an end as they often do. i'm writing about the loss of something i hold dear. and so it was today that stefani decided to part ways with me. i had a feeling a while ago that she didn't love me anymore. lets hear it for intuition. turns out the only reason that she was still here in the first place was because of my son, whom i only have a short time to spend with before my deployment to afghanistan. i can't make sense of all this at the moment. however i know that some people in life are searchers. spend there whole life in search of something to fill a hole and somehow it's never enough. is it that hard to find someone who will love and respect you the way that you deserve to be loved, or do we all just settle for what is present to increase the fullfillment of our lives. i need to say that there was never a doubt in my mind that she was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. i know that people fight and people makeup. but when the other person doesn't want the responsibilities of what is ultimately known as a family how do you push them towards something better. love is lifes greatest mystery. one that i am sorry to say i have not solved. i have a clear head, and clear direction on what a relationship is supposed to be. two bodies working together to become one in spite of thier differences on the difficult road of life. i suppose the terms "my hands are tied" is most accurate. to watch the one you love walk away and to know that someone else will share the times that you hold so dear to you with her when it should have been you is almost unbearable. perhaps hope that tomorrow will offer a greater life and greater love still yet. the end of that road is not yet nearly in sight but you have to wonder what if. you always want to know why things happen to you, but there must be some devine purpose for all this trouble. my mother always taught us that through adversity becomes strength. if this is true i should be able to lift a frieght train upon escaping this tragic turn of events. let it be known that i tried everything to the fullest extent of my capability to save what was our life. if you ever read this stefani, you will always hold a place in my heart. i would not trade the times we shared for any lifetime of happiness elsewhere. i hope that when you look at our son you see the good man i was to you and all the amazing things we did together. you will always be part of the most important day in my life. the day that you gave me the gift of my son. my firstborn and my legacy. depite the pain of loosing you i know that one day i can find happiness again. however long it may take. if something shoul happen to me in afghanistan i want my son to know that his father died protecting the very freedom that he basks in every day. since the day he was born all i could see was the times that we would share as father and son. i need him to know that he is the most precious thing in my life and nothing would ever take that away. so i should stop ranting on the impossibilties that are our lifes. until next time i guess